Hiya. Allow me to introduce myself ... I'm Martha Edwards: writer, photographer, world-traveler and so much more. Things I am not? A doctor, a scientist, a cancer expert, patient or survivor. But my life has been forever altered by cancer. I was 24 when the most important person in my life, my dad, took his last breath as I held steadfastly onto his hand with gigantic tears running down my face. In the blink of an eye my world came crashing down and shattered into a million pieces. I spent the next year gluing every single bit of my broken soul back together, but like a shattered vase, I'll never be the quite the same. In a lot of ways, I'm better than before. I've learned the value of life and love and family, and I've learned that those who you love the most are never really gone.In the wake of my loss, I had a lot of questions. We'd only learnt my dad had cancer a week before he passed away, and when I tell people this, they gasp at the suddenness. The truth is, my dad was a proud man who hated complaining and put too much trust in the wisdom of doctors, and by the time he started to think that something might be seriously wrong with him, his whole body was taken over by the disease. We were never told the truth about the severity of his disease and so we never got to say goodbye in the proper sense. I still struggle with this, and wonder what could have been if he, his doctors or our family had done things differently. Would he be there at my wedding, or to meet his grandchildren or to read what I am writing here? Everyday I grieve for what he's missing in my life and he would too if he had known the woman I grow into every day.
Talking and writing about cancer sometimes makes my eyes well up but I do it anyway because I know that when I scoured the Internet looking for answers in the midst of my crisis, I wanted to find something that gave me the facts and the stories behind the disease. I clung desperately on to the testimonials of people who had experienced grief and made it through, or who battled the disease and came out the other side with a fresh appreciation for this crazy life. I take comfort in those kinds of things, and I'm here with you now because I suspect you might too.
Thanks for listening.
1. Martha-
I am so sorry for your loss. I just recently stumbled on this blog and upon reading it, I felt like I was reading my own story. My father also lost his life to cancer. He had only been diagnosed w/ lung cancer for about one month before he passed. I too sat at his bedside & held his hand as he took his last breaths. What an amazing and terrifying thing to bare witness to. I have found peace in believing that he knew I was there with him and I helped in some way make his transition from this life to the next. I hope you also find the peace you are looking for.
Posted at 10:15PM on May 21st 2007 by Victoria